Why L Didn't Die
by Translucent Darkness
Summary: Oneshot. Everyone's stunned to discover that L's married and that his wife is a little...unorthodox. LxWednesday


A/N: I'm using more of the Wednesday from _The Addams Family_ movie and _Addams Family Values_.

Disclaimer: I don't own DN or Wednesday.

* * *

Light glared at the cold, metal handcuff that now marred his wrist. "Do you really need to go this far, Ryuzaki?" Light asked, jingling the handcuff to accentuate his point.

"I am not doing this because I want to, you know," L replied, his wide, blank eyes and monotonous voice revealing none of his discomfort.

"Huh?" Misa seemed astounded by this development. "Is this what you meant by being together 24/7?" Misa asked while examining the long chain that bound detective and suspect. After a moment of contemplating the chain, the petite blonde turned to Ryuzaki, a slightly disgusted look crossing her face. "Doing this with guys is kind of gross!" Misa declared. "Are you that type, Ryuzaki-san? You were together with Light at the university…"

"I am not doing this because I want to," L reiterated. "I can also assure you that I am not gay, Amane-san. I am married."

There was a moment of stunned silence. The NPA members' jaws fell open at the notion of a woman willingly marrying the sloppy detective, Light looked incredulous, and Misa's mind roiled a moment before images of a female-L and her shopping, laughing, and giggling over girlie things filled her bubbly mind. It didn't even occur to Misa that L's wife most likely didn't look like him.

Misa squealed and pounced on the unsuspecting anemic detective. "Oh, I can't wait to meet her!"

"Yes, Ryuzaki," Light said slyly, assuming this was another of L's lies, "where is she? Why haven't you mentioned her before?"

"She is traveling and you never asked," L responded, his large eyes fixed on Light.

"Traveling?" Light rolled his eyes at such a pitiful excuse.

Misa overtook L's attention once again. "What's her name?" the hyper goth wanted to know.

"I would never give Kira suspects the name of my wife."

Misa pouted and Light snarled, "I'm not Kira!"

L shrugged before lightly pulling on the chain. "Come, Kira-kun. We have much work to do."

Light groaned, obviously annoyed.

_

* * *

_

One Week Later:

In the new investigation headquarters, L sat before a large computer screen, his eyes scanning the tiny type at a rapid speed while he was stuffing his mouth with gummy bears. Light was typing moodily at the opposite end of the chain. The rest of the task force was investigating various leads.

Watari then cleared his throat rather loudly, destroying the almost palpable concentration in the room. L turned his onyx gaze to the old inventor. "Yes, Watari?"

"Your wife has arrived, Ryuzaki."

The change in L was immediate. A smile crossed his pallid features, and his spine straightened slightly. L and the rest of the task force turned to the door as a woman, L's wife supposedly, entered the room.

She wasn't what they were expecting, that's for sure (of course they really didn't know what to expect). Her pale face was severe, her mouth a thin line, as though she was unsuccessfully concealing anger. She wore a plain black dress, and her long black hair was divided into two plaits that rested on her shoulders. Her dark eyes were piercing, and her aura exuded malice.

L's smile widened to an unnatural size for such a stoic man. He quickly jumped from his seat and rushed to the harsh-looking woman. "Hello, dear," L said, taking her hands in his own while gazing at her adoringly.

Wednesday's dark eyes softened when they rested upon her husband. "How have you been, love?" she asked, her voice emotionless and with a touch of sinister.

L beamed. "Lonely," he responded before he gave her a quick kiss.

Wednesday's lips perked slightly at the edges after L's kiss. Her hand then brushed the handcuff on her husband's wrist. Her accusing eyes followed the chain to Light's imprisoned wrist. Light shivered as her abyssal eyes examined him. Turning back to L, she said, "Handcuffs? Kinky."

L looked stunned for a moment before he understood what she was talking about. "Actually, that's Kira," he explained.

Light was about to protest, but Wednesday's presence seemed to stifle any words building in his throat. Wednesday's eyes flicked between the suspect and the detective. "Kira? Kinkier."

L opened his mouth to protest when Wednesday attacked his lips with her own. All thoughts of Kira vanished from the lanky detective's mind as his wife ravaged his mouth.

"Ahem." Watari cleared his throat, a sly smirk marking his features. L blushed brightly as he and Wednesday parted.

The Addams girl smirked, before whispering huskily, "Let's take this to the bedroom."

"What!" Light exclaimed, suddenly finding his voice at the prospect of having to view the man he was chained to and said man's wife in such a way.

L gazed regretfully at Wednesday. "Light-kun's, correct, dear. It would be incredibly awkward to have Kira view us during such an intimate act."

Wednesday tugged on the handcuff lightly. "Then remove them."

L shook his head in the negative. "I'm afraid I cannot, love. I cannot risk Light-kun killing while he is not under my surveillance."

Light jumped to his feet and rushed to the reunited couple. "NO! No, I'm not Kira! You can leave me alone all you want!"

Wednesday, who along with L ignored Light's outburst, looked contemplative for a moment before saying, "I have an idea."

Wednesday walked to her large black bag and pulled out a tiny featureless doll from the bag's innards. She then walked to Light; plucked a hair from his head, resulting in a very feminine squeal from the Kira suspect; and stuffed the hair into a slit in the doll's front. Pulling a needle and thread from her bag, Wednesday swiftly sewed shut the slit in the doll.

"What are you doing?" Light demanded. He turned to L for answers, but the pale detective was merely smiling amusedly at his wife.

To test her handiwork, Wednesday lifted both of the dolls arms into the air, thereby causing both of Light's arms to shoot into the air.

"What the hell!" Light exclaimed, unable to lower his arms until Wednesday released the doll's arms.

"What have you done to Light?" Yagami Soichiro yelled, outraged at the injustice done to his son.

Wednesday did not respond, but at the success of her trial, she unearthed a piece of string from her bag and proceeded to bind the doll with it. Light's arms became bound to his sides from an invisible force. When Light's legs were bound together, he fell roughly to the floor, his father and the other investigators running to his aid. "What is – " Light began before Wednesday gagged the doll, subsequently gagging Light as well.

"Does that work, love?" Wednesday asked.

"Quite efficient, dear," L replied, examining the gagged and bound Kira suspect. L then uncuffed his wrist and secured the handcuff around a table leg. Wednesday smirked and slipped the voodoo doll into her pocket, before grabbing her husband's hand and leading him to the bedroom.

The NPA members had no idea what to do with Light. They couldn't untie him: there was nothing to untie. Eventually, they decided to leave him on the floor with a pillow beneath his head, as they could do nothing else for him.

A few minutes passed in relative silence before Light's body went flying through the air only to come crashing down on the hard floor as the wedded couple's clothes, and any voodoo dolls in said clothes, were thrown to the floor in the bedroom down the hall.

* * *

The next morning, Light awoke to find himself still bound and gagged, but mercifully on a couch, in the main room. Light blinked away the remnants of his sleep, and gazed about the empty investigation area. The poor serial killer almost jumped to find Wednesday, her straight black locks cascading over her shoulders and a thin black robe being her only adornment, sitting right across from him. She was gazing at the boy with pure malice.

Light couldn't run, but his 'flight' instinct was making him squirm against his phantom bindings.

"Stop that," Wednesday ordered. Fearing for his life if he disobeyed this woman, Light quickly ceased his struggles. "Listen good, _Kira_," Wednesday snarled. "If you kill my husband, if you harm him in any way, I will find you and I will torture you and I will kill you, and trust me: When I'm through with you, you'll pray for hell."

Light was practically shaking with nerves as L, his hair messy and his eyes lidded with sleep, wandered into the room. "Everything okay out here, dear?" he asked.

Wednesday sidled up to him and kissed him lightly. "Everything's perfect, love."

And thus, L did not die.


End file.
